Good News and Pupose

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Good News is like oxygen, you just need it. It is hard to stay positive when you continually here bad news and even more so when you feel like nothing is in your power. Before my most recent check up, that was what I was struggling with the most.

I felt like a victim! When I asked my doctor, “What can I do to help my prognosis?” the answer always came back as, “Nothing.” Not being able to do anything leaves one as the victim and that by itself is a Very DANGEROUS thing!

I decided that I will not be the victim of my cancer. I will find things to do that will help me. The things I can do may not be scientifically reliable ways to cure cancer, but they are positive things that I believe can beat cancer. I decided what I can do is Prayer, focus on my Purpose, eat right, and get in as good a shape as a cancer patient can be in. These are the things that I chose to implement in my life before we came to Houston on Tuesday.

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Many people ask what they are suppose to do with their life and I have asked this question, but I really hate this question. I think that we should ask, “What do I choose to do with my like?” We should claim responsibility and say, “This is what I choose.”

“This is what I choose, I choose to inspire people to live more like Jesus!” This is my purpose and as long as The Lord gives me, I will preach and write to this end. I will focus in on this and I will not be a victim. So if your church needs a speaker, as long as I am physically able, let me know and I would love to come share.

I feel empowered by claiming that truth for my life and while it doesn’t cure my cancer, it gives me a great reason to fight. A reason to fight is very important and even more so when you get a lot of bad news. Bad news has been a regular thing, but no LONGER is it the only news. I had twelve brain tumors and as of my scans yesterday, I only have one tumor in my brain. The gamma knife surgery was a great success!

The one tumor that is left was my biggest tumor and it maybe dead and just has to be reabsorbed by my body. The doctor said that the rate at which it is shrinking is much faster than other patients so I am very positive about it being dead! The doctor didn’t know why my eyesight in my right eye is so bad. She thought that there might be a very small tumor irritating my optic nerve. At fist I was upset about this, but then she said that it wasn’t a big deal because as soon as they found it she would go in and blast it.

Bay and I went out to celebrate the results. Before we finished dinner, my doctor called and said that she went down to radiology and had help examining my scan and that they were sure that there was no tumor and that my nerve may just be irritated and my sight may go back to normal on its own!

This is great news! Instead of maybe having months to live, I now could have years to fight! I still have a hard situation with my cancer spreading in my torso, but my brain being clear gives me such a better chance of fighting. I can inspire more people! I can live on purpose longer.

I tell you this because I am so thankful for your prayers and support. As you pray, please pray that I can beat this so that I can live out my purpose. That is my prayer and it is not a bargain. If God only gives me six months, then I will inspire for that time, but if he gives my sixty years then even better.

Thank you for joining me on this roller coaster. It has tested my faith to have one day where a doctor tells you that you aren’t going to live to another doctor telling you that there is great hope. God is using you to help me through the ups and downs and I have seen him in ways that I never have before. This is the power of the Church and the Church is so much more than the people who attend a building on Sunday. I have found God’s people throughout different communities of all denominations and it gives me great hope.

If you are struggling with finding your purpose, I suggest you look where you passion meets the Kingdom of God. If you don’t know what the Kingdom of God is, or looks like, spend some time reading through the Gospels until you can feel it and recognize it. There is nothing better than walking into the space where your passion meets God’s presence and that is my prayer for you!

May God Bless You!
Andrew

Eye Failure and Saddness

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Well, this is how I look tonight.  I am fat and swollen from steroids and my right eye has stopped working.

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I have a cancer baby.  Cancer babies really suck because you have many of the problems of pregnancy, but no joy at the end, at least not like a real baby.  I put my real baby in her bad with her mom tonight and I cried.  I love her so much and it so weird to think of life without her, or her life without me.

I realized tonight that my girls will live the majority of their lives without me.  If Bay lives until 90 then she will live two more of my lifetimes without me.  I sure hope she does!  I have realized that the length of your life here on earth isn’t as important as the quality of that life. I may only live 30 years, but what have I done with that time?  You know what, I feel okay about my years.  Maybe I could have been a better man, but I have tried really hard.  I will have time to become better, but I won’t have time to influence you directly.  I hope in my time you have heard God more than you have heard me.

The great thing about dying, is that you get to really question your faith.  If I really believe that this isn’t the end, then I can walk through this different   If you haven’t figured tout, the fact that my eye failed is not a good sign.   I do  n’t know for sure, but it more than likely it means that my brain tumors didn’t respond to surgery and I don’t have long.

I don’t know this for sure, but I had a moment today where I felt like God spoke to me as well.  This was before I knew what was going on with my eye.  I had terrible headaches all day today and really I have had them the last three days.  Late this afternoon, I felt God, and I felt him tell me that heaven was going to be great and that I shouldn’t worry.  I didn’t know why he was telling me this, but maybe now I do.

The question is what do I believe and how will I enter these days? Here is my testimony, “God is real and my future doesn’t stop with my death!  I will walk these days with tears for the time I lost, but with faith that my time has not stopped.  I will tell you about the things I hear and the truth I know.  If I lose my sight, I will tell you what my soul sees.  I will fight for my life until my last breath, “But” I will never assume that I know what is best and I will face my cross as my Savior did.  may the prayers of the saints keep my fraom stumbling as I walk that rocky path”

I have to write this with my eyes closed so please ignor the typos.  Thank you all for your kindness and know that I could never walk this path without you.  Your prayers and kindness hold me up when I can’t stand anymore.  thank you!

I love you all,

Andrew

Easter

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This Easter found me in bed most of the day with terrible head pain.  It was not how I wanted to spend Easter, but the day got better as it went and by the end of the afternoon I was able to talk and watch basketball with my family.

It was pretty strange this Easter, because there is a real likelihood that this was my last Easter.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  Easter is a weird mix of joy and sorrow.  It is filled with the joy of Jesus’ resurrection and the hope of resurrection that we now have, but it is also filled with the pain of the cross and all the Jesus suffered at the ends of men and worse.

I’m so thankful that Jesus made a way for me and yet so ashamed that he had to do so.  Jesus didn’t want to go to the cross any more than I want to die, but he had to.  God didn’t let him out of it.  It is very different circumstances, but it makes me question if God will let me out of my current situation.  I know that he doesn’t have to and I don’t’ know if it is best that he does, but I would like him to do so.

It brings us to a very important question; “Would you lay down your life so that others might live?”  This is a question that seems easy until it is brought to reality.   The macho removed version of me would always say yes, but the part of me that wants to live would say I want there to be more than those options.  Maybe there are more than those options, but if there aren’t.  If I am left with the fact that if I die, more people enter the Kingdom of God than if I live, am I at peace with what must happen?

My answer is “Yes,” and “No.”  I will cry for the loss that I suffer and the loss that my family suffers, but I will rejoice at the greater gain my family finds.  It is gray, it is not black and white.  There is sadness and joy, peace and unrest, this is the reality of hardship.

Jesus wept tears of blood and yet walked to the cross.  I don’t think it can be different for the rest of us if we deeply love.  Do you deeply love?  That deep love of Jesus led to our eternal hope.  What could your deep love lead to?  There are millions of things your deep love could lead to.

So today I rejoice because I can cry and it’s okay and I can hope and it’s okay.  Our God is big and Easter shows us how far he will go so that we can know just how big he is!

“I had a Bad DAy”

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Today was a hard day. I found out today that I more than likely won’t see the year 2014. I never thought I would die before 2014, but it appears that unless God intervenes, that is my fate. I have cancer that has spread all over my body. As of last count, I had 12 tumors in my brain, one in my lung, one just outside my lung, one in each shoulder, one in my sternum, one on my spine, two in my liver, one in my hip, two on my pelvis, and who knows where else. Basically I light up like a Christmas tree on a pet scan. IF that were a happy scan at Christmas where I received pets, then that would be great, but it’s an indicator of cancer cells which is like the exact opposite of a big tree filled with puppies.
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” So I had a bad day.” I guess there are a couple of ways to look at it. When I came home, my dad fell into my arms and we cried like crazy. I will miss my family so much! We all cried today. This is the hardest part of all this. Leaving the ones you love and knowing that they will hurt when you leave. I can’t really tell you how much it hurts.

I have to say that the hurt opens my eyes to some things that I want you to see. There are so many people who hurt every day and they need our love. I am not sure the best way to give them that love. It is going to be your job to figure it out because I am headed to heaven where I will pray for your decisions, but the actions will be left in your hands, not mine. Sorry I didn’t want to get benched, but sometimes the coach says grab some Gatorade and personally I like the yellow. Before I take the bench, you need to know that how you love is more important than what you believe! You will read this in my book that is coming out, but you can hear it early here too! Your love is more important than fact. Fact is fact and will not change, but the world is counting on your love! Love and truth are connected, but let love flow before truth. You will never go wrong that way.
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Here is a truth that will let you love. God is Real. Jesus’ gift is REAL. YOU are forgiven! You don’t have to feel guilty or disconnected anymore! I don’t care who you are or what you believe. Some of you are my friends and you read this. You are very smart and you don’t believe in Jesus. I get it, but it doesn’t matter. Jesus believed in you even when you didn’t. He died for you whether you believe it or not. He has walked with me and he wants to walk with you. By “Walk with” I mean that he wants you to know the peace of what he has done. There aren’t answers for all your questions, but maybe Jesus is bigger than those things the church can’t answer? Do this for me. Assume that he is bigger than the doctrine that bothers you and just look for him in your life. There is one person in particular that I know is reading this and I won’t mention your name, but you need to do this! You have held a special place in my heart even though we don’t talk much. I know you and your family have been through so much, but God will make it better one day. I can’t explain or understand the things you are going through now. I don’t know why you are so heavy on my heart, but know that God’s grace will cover all the reality that we can’t explain.

My book got delayed because of my health issues, but it is now ready to be out in July. I know that is a delay from the April release and I apologize. I will be holding special parties for pre-orders where I get to say thank you and hand you, your signed book in person. I will let you know where these parties will be held, but expect the major churches who have supported me if they are willing.

I may have less than a year on this earth, but that doesn’t mean that things stop. I know that there will be a day when we will break bread together again. I will pray for you until that time. I don’t know what all I will be able to do for you from heaven, but what I can do I will. If you want to “turn my day around,” continue to show me where all the good people have gone. YOU have changed my heart and shown me God through the power and love of people. Let the spark grow into a great fire with my death! Please, rally not just to one man suffering (which I am so thankful for), but rally to the Kingdom of God! You have shown me that the world can change! So change it! If you need help with ideas, use my blog as a forum before I go.

I believe in you! God is with you! I can’t wait to hear about what you do and what God does through you. Thank you for saving a piece of my soul through your faith and love! Thank you for showing my God’s face in a time of great darkness! Thank you that my bad day, is just a moment, and that my joy is forever! To God be the Glory, may you be blessed, and I will sing for both!

-Andrew

How Close is Heaven, Find out a little more tomorrow, prayer request

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Tomorrow I will have pet scans and CTs of my major tumors, excluding my head which will come in another two weeks. I can tell you that I do not want to go to the hospital tomorrow. If things don’t go well, there are not a lot of options left for me. I am very tired of bad reports and when I come into my bedroom and see my girls giggling together and rolling around, I just cry.

I cry because I love them. I cry because there is nothing I can do to make sure and stay with them. I cry because there maybe a day soon when daddy doesn’t walk through the door and that just kills me. It takes my heart and tears it into pieces. God has shown me so much and deepened my faith in ways that I can’t begin to tell you about, but it still doesn’t take away the pain of losing my family.

I know that I will be with them again one day if I am taken, but how do you deal with your little girl asking for her daddy and her mom having to answer that daddy isn’t coming back? I don’t know how to deal with that! I just want to hold them both my whole life and let them know how much I love them, but tomorrow and Wednesday they may take that opportunity from me.

Here is faith and mine is weak. To trust God with my girls and their happiness. I want to do it, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to let go and I don’t want to let go. I want to live. I want to write for you, inspire you, create stories that move you. I want to be my daughter’s hero and I want to love my wife better and give her a life where she is secure and loved and fulfills her dreams. I want to make the lives of those who suffer better and see the better in those who can’t see it in themselves, but I don’t know if I will ever get to do this.

I am thankful because I have seen God and not many can say that! At least not the way that I have. I want you to know that he is REAL and that I am not scared to die, I just don’t want to die. There is so much waiting for me, but so much that I don’t want to leave.

We will all face nights like I face, one day. We will face death or the possibility of it. My wife holds me while I cry and write this post. I can’t stop crying and she just holds me. She is my Jesus tonight. He holds me through her. He will always hold you when the time comes. I know this! Even if no one else is there, he will be there. This is not from the Bible, this is me telling you how it works.

My faith may be weak, but Christ’s faith is strong! What I have learned on this journey is that God will show up. Whether you are ready, willing, or able, God will show up! This life is not a testament of your faithfulness, but of God’s faithfulness.

When you come to one of these nights in your life, I want you to have something. I want you to have peace that God is real and that he loves you. You are forgiven because Jesus was faithful. Do you know what that means for me tonight? It means that I cry for my girls and my family, but my soul is at peace. I don’t fear judgement or who I am. I don’t fear what awaits me, in fact I long for it. I long to walk with God in a more intimate way. I long to grow at a faster pace.

While I long for these things, I also ask for your prayers. I feel like I can help if God gives me longer. I feel like I can inspire, grow, and encourage people that are hurting. The truth is I don’t know if it is better if I live or if I die, but I would like you to pray that I live a little longer. If I live, you and God have my heart and my life. If I die, you and God have my heart and my prayers.

Tonight is a grey, dark night. I know my future and yet I don’t know how I will get there. I have faith that either way I will know God’s love. I pray that in your dark night, you feel the same way!

Your Friend,
Andrew

End of Life Relationships

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My wife, Bailey, Is my best friend! There is really no doubt or competition.  I have no one in my life who I confide in, share with, dream with, or love in a proximity close to that of Bailey.  That means Bailey gets me completely untapped, happy, sad, angry, and honest!

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The last few days I have gotten to spend with another good friend of mine, George Gardev.  George is an exceptional man.  He flew into Cuero from Bulgaria to see me.  We met in seminary and there is something about George that makes it so that even though we haven’t seen each other in 6 years, it feels like it hasn’t been six days.

God seems to teach us the same things at the same time and we think in a very similar fashion even though he grew up in Communist Bulgaria.  It is amazing to feel so close to someone that you live so far from.  We talked about theology, life, and death.  We talked about politics and business and it was like talking to my long lost brother.

I believe the Kingdom of God will be like Bailey and George.  The Kingdom of God will be filled with people who we feel make us better about who we are.  They will cause us to grow as people.  My wife makes me grow in love and understanding everyday!  When I sit and talk with a brilliant man like George, the way  I see God is expanded.  Both of these expansions happen best in relationships where there is real trust and safety.

I offend my wife quite often and I know I have offended George in the past, but no matter my offense, they both love me.  They both are not afraid of my death in the sense that they are proud of who I am and I can feel it when I am around them.  It is a relief to be around people who have such security in eternity and belief in my faith!  It pours and oozes out of them like sweet sweat.

Do you have people in your life like Bay and Georgi?  People who you can be at peace with ?  People you can talk about God and reality with, while grilling a steak and drinking a  Shiner?  If you don’t have these people, you need them!  This is a part of the Kingdom of God!  The great part of the Kingdom of God is that it doesn’t stop here.  I may die in the next few months, or I may live, but either way heaven will allow me many more barbecues with George and many more 3am’s where I wake my wife up and say, “Guess what we could do for God!”

Life is more than now, and yet all of life is now!  Find yourself in it, but never cut from the past that has developed you, or the future that draws you toward our God and his Kingdom!

I love you all!

Andrew